Alchemical Insecurities

What is it that i am looking for?
Excitement, Surprise?
Is expectation the real enemy of truth and reality?
... of Dreams?
... of Escapism?
Will i ever Learn? (Do i even want to?)
Don't say a word.. don't Jinx it.
As if spoken words are proverbial Daggers hurled at the end-result, killing it.
Work and Pray.. the Alchemist's Mantra.
Countless times before i spoiled the results and it all blew on my face!
You stupid man.. Heard a couple of smart words spoken in a tender tone.
You hypocritical idiot! You can't make a golem with only a toe, a finger and a voice.
You need so much more.. so much more that you can't simply replace the rest of the equation with mere "Expectation". That doesnt result in "Human Being" it only results in Chimera.
Human transmutation , however, always ends in error, hubris and , ultimately, Pain and Regret.

Substitute For Love

Impossible? Perhaps not.
Viable? Most probable.
The hunter in me is smiling contently. I suffered fools, so gladly.
I just needed another perspective , that's all.
What did Brian say? "An immitation of hetero"
Not quite my love. The need, the hunger, drove me into them shackles. I sated it. I hurt him..and him.. and him... Victims, aren't we all?
Where do i stand now? Another jaded smile, another broken carcass, another meal for the King, so who is this then?
A substitute for love. Ah! How beutiful this one is. Do i care how long this one lasts before it turns corrupt? Not.... really. Does that make me cynical, a bastard, soulless, damaged?
The good doctor discribed me as emotionally crippled.
The bad boyfriend, as a fraud.
The ugly ex, as a monster.

It matters not to me. As long as i am intact. Flinging my arrows uncarring of the wounded.
Dear brother how spot on you were back then.
I deserve all that's coming my way and by god i battled hard for all of them.
I am as certain , as i am that i will ultimately lose that battle.

All it matters is that i am content, gratefull and smiling.
Yes! The Beast grows tired of it. I am so eerily eager to see what the Piano will have me dancing again.

For the time being.. i sleep with my feast.
I hope the sound of my licking my lips won't wake him up.